Joe, MSAgent of the MarySue deletion squad
by Silawen00
Summary: Life is hard for someone who has to hunt and destroy MarySues in the pokémon fandom. Follow Joe as he hunts for the creatures and makes sure they are sent back to where they came from.
1. Default Chapter

A/N: This story was written just for fun, to keep me amused duringmy endless concrits on pokémon fanfiction here at This will be a series and features Joe the police officer; the MS-agent who takes care of the pokémon fanfiction for the deletion squad of the Mary-Sue Fanfiction Headquarters. (Isn't thata long sentence. OO) Possibly all and any Mary-Sue types will be addressed.

Disclaimer: I do not own pokémon, but I do own Joe.

* * *

The police officer made his way through the house, checking every nick and possible hide-out. He could smell that something was wrong, thank heavens his Mary-Sue alarm had warned him that once more the pokémon world had been invaded by the foul creatures. At first he had visited Professor Oak, Professor Elm and Professor Birch, asking them whether or not a new trainer had visited them to get a – rare – starter, but that had not been the case. The next – obvious – question was whether or not they remembered the existence of another Professor. But their answer had shown that that was not the case, no Professor Pine to worry about.

Next halt had been Ash's house, where he was now. He had asked them whether or not they had seen a girl of unmistakable beauty, but Ash's mother had answered that they hadn't had company in months. This left him with the option of going to find the other main characters or make a stop at Rocket headquarters. But, thank heavens, before he had decided, rustling was heard from outside and a pokémon had jumped through the window, landing ceremoniously on the kitchen table. He recognised it to be an Eevee; a prime Mary-Sue pokémon that had often alerted him of their presence. Strangely enough it had been almost two months since he last saw one – a horrid blonde creature with black ears and a ridiculous collar – so he was slightly surprised to see one again.

Rushing outside, hoping to catch the Mary-Sue, he advised the mother and son to stay together and keep all windows and doors closed. Creeping silently around the house he could not help but appreciate the sturdy uniform the Mary-Sue Fanfiction Headquarters had given him. Pokémon was a rather dirty fandom at times and the twisted perception of little kids often resulted in him climbing mountains and wading through deep rivers. It was a tough job, but amusing nonetheless. After all sending the Sues back to where they came from – probably a horribly bleach world with computers and a dull life – with violence or the force of reality was very amusing. He always preferred the latter; it was more of a shock and less savage. He hated getting himself and the pokémon fandom dirty.

After a bit of crawling the police officer – Joe – reached the back of the house. There stood a few trees and some bushes, but fairly far apart, not very useful for stalking Sues. As soon as he scouted the area for their presence he saw a figure sitting under a tree. Carefully he crawled closer, using a few of the bushes for cover. Luckily the figure seemed busy doing other things than care about who was crawling towards her, for she didn't see him. Grinding his teeth at her appearance – a radiating redhead with a thin figure and voluptuous curves – he could just hear sniffing. Apparently she was crying.

Big pearly tears fell down from huge green eyes. Congratulating himself about applying MS-resistance earlier this morning he got to his feet and walked towards her with a brisk pace.

"Miss Sue, what seems to be the problem?"

The Sue looked up with big eyes, a delicate hand brushing away some of the tears. A weak smile lit her face, showing her extreme beauty; Joe was close to puking.

"My parents were drunk again, sir, they beat me and my dad even broke my leg! It hurts so badly, sir, I could only just make it here!"

Looking at her leg he could see no blood or bones sticking out, only a wide gash with a few drops of red liquid. Before he was able to comment on that, however, the Sue continued; sniffing and hiccupping in a failing attempt to come across as sad and in need of help.

"I send Diamond in the house to look for Ash, he will help me! He's my cousin after all and he cares for me a great deal! Oh and do you know why I called her Diamond? She was a birthday present from my mom – before she became evil you see – and she had diamond coloured eyes so I bought her a diamond coloured collar – before we became poor you see – and now she's the prettiest Eevee in the whole wide world!"

The Sue gave him a cheery smile, but Joe just glared at her.

"I have to disagree, Eevee are becoming vastly overrated and no matter what colour combination people come up with their usual brown colour is still more fetching, since it's so very rare to behold these days."

"But sir.."

"Don't interrupt me. Let me share some information with you. That leg is not broken. If it was then it would be covered in blood with possible pieces of bone sticking out of it. It would hurt so much you would not be able to sit here so casually and you would most definitely not be able to walk on it. Another thing; Ash cannot be your cousin. You see if I believe any Sue who says that he'd be having over a 1000 cousins and I doubt his family is that productive. Now, either you go back to the computer you came from and give your author a nice slappin' or I will order your deletion. Do I make myself clear? Oh and the red hair, green eyes combination is sooo cliché!"

"But sir!"

"Did I make myself clear, young lady?"

The Sue started sobbing loudly, barely audible words about recognition and 'Diamond' leaving her striking red mouth. With growls and uttered swear words – all PG of course – she grabbed the bag she'd been holding and got to her feet. Suddenly all signs of a wound evaporated and the Sue walked back the way she'd come. Joe made sure to tag her so she wouldn't be able to get back in.

Proud of this day's work he returned to the house to collect the orphaned Eevee and change her into a Pidgey or Rattata, sans the diamond eyes of course. Hopefully the next day would be just as fulfilling.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Pokémon, they are property of their respective owners. I do own the character Joe and, to some extend, the plot Enjoy!

* * *

Soft steps could be heard as two forms walked down one of the many paths near Pallet Town. They weren't quite sure which one, exactly, but they were certain it would lead them to the nearest town. If their information was correct, which it always was, that city would have to be Viridian City. One of the figures, coming into view before sitting down on the ground dejectedly, huffed loudly. He was small, no taller than your average nine year old, and looked like he would break the moment he bumped into something.

"Mara, can we please slow down? My feet hurt!"

A girl stopped next to him, sighing audibly while rummaging through her bag. She gave the boy a pointed glare before pulling out a diamond incrusted comb, making the glare turn into the smile at the mere sight of it.

"No, Timothy, we have to reach Viridian City."

The boy pouted, pulling himself up by a nearby tree and tugging at his backpack. The thing, almost falling apart, was close to dropping down, and he could just hoist it back up again. His sneakers caused dust to billow up as he followed the vibrant steps of his sister.

"You're always whining, Timothy," the girl muttered, calmly brushing through her blonde hair as she walked. Apparently she had no problems at all with the dusty surface or the trees standing so close to the road. In fact, the branches reaching down over the road seemed the bend back wherever she walked, snapping right back once she'd passed.

It was quite unfair, it seemed, as the boy's long, wiry, brown hair got stuck on one of the evil paws that had latched onto him. It took him several minutes to get loose, after which he was forced to run fast to keep up with his sister. She really didn't seem to care.

Meanwhile, not too far away….

Unlike the youngsters, Joe was finding walking quite hard. Off-road movement was always difficult, but a dense forest like this was even worse. His combat boots got stuck every two seconds, and he'd been caught by vines several times. Every time he got near the two he was held back. So far he'd used his gun twice, in anger, and shot an unfortunate tree. It had worked, though, for he was now quite close to the pair.

He peaked through the bushes, resting his body on the comfortable moss. He'd finally worked his way ahead of the two, and watched as they drew near. The girl was walking ahead, brushing her blonde hair with ease. No knots to speak off. She was tall, impossibly so for an eleven year old, and her blue eyes seemed unearthly bright. He scowled, tearing his eyes away from the annoyance walking towards him. The boy, unlike his sister – he'd been told they were related -, was rather common. A bit too small for his age, perhaps, but overall just that, common. It was like a breath of fresh air, because it had been a long while since he last saw a normal character. He was cautious, however, for he'd come across many Sues – or Stus – that appeared to be normal and then erupted in glorifying fire before commanding their Legendary pokémon. He wouldn't be fooled again.

As the girl drew neared – making the hairs in his neck stand upright – he could see her pocket the brush. She was now softly stroking the red and white contours of three pokéballs.

'Three in one day? Ah well, that's about average.'

It seemed that this was, at most, a level three Sue. Nothing he couldn't handle. Unless she harboured special powers. If that were the case then he really needed reinforcements, but one couldn't tell from a distance. He would have to chance it. Besides, he was one of their best, he'd cope. He was a bit of a Stu in his own right, which amused him greatly.

"Timothy, hurry up! Dratini swim in the waters near Viridian City!" He heard the girl yell, which made him scow angrily.

'No they don't!' he seethed, grabbing a firm hold on his weapon of choice. This one needed a bit of a lesson.

Before the boy could even answer Joe jumped from his hiding-place in the bushes. The girl shrieked loudly, causing Joe to give a cry of annoyance in return, and backed up. She nearly crashed into her brother, but could just swerve past him with grace.

"Who are you!"

Joe glared at the girl. No respect, whatsoever.

"I could come up with something very cliché, like… 'your worst nightmare' or 'the right hand of justice', but really, I'm just Joe."

The girl blinked a couple of times, digesting the information, before balling her fists and glaring angrily at him. Joe sighed, feeling the unavoidable urge to throw her in the nearest volcano. Unfortunately, there was no volcano anywhere near them. So, he remained calm.

"Joe, eh?" the girl said, sniffing her nose at his common name.

"Joe, indeed, and you would be?"

"Sapphire."

"Right, I should have known. Come here, please, Miss Sapphire."

Cautiously, looking at him with unsure eyes, the girl stepped forward. She stopped in front of him, but well enough away so that he could not grab her. Not that he'd want to, since he hadn't had his recent MS-repellent and would no doubt succumb to the sueness. Thus was the horror of the Sue, even the best anti-sue agents could not always resist them.

"I want you to look at this for me a moment, if you will."

He held up his greatest weapon, a two-sided mirror set in a plain wooden base. The glass glinted in the sun and Joe smirked as the Sue's eyes went wide. No Sue could resist her own reflection. She stepped closer and was now within his reach.

"Tell me, what do you see? Describe yourself." he asked calmly.

"Well, my eyes are a deep blue, much like the ocean, and they're pools of neverending azure. My hair is light, a gorgeous blonde that is much like gold. It's wavy, and falls down.."

She was interrupted as Joe took a swipe at her head, knocking her square between the eyes. Her skin, flawless before, was now turning slightly red. Whether it was in indignation or due to his hitting, he wasn't sure. He held up the mirror again, hoping he'd knocked out most of the Sue.

"Try again."

It took a while for the Sue to regain the use of her voice, but eventually she got herself back together and looked back into the mirror.

"My eyes are gorgeous, a lovely shade of blue that could rival the deepest of seas. My hair.."

Joe sighed sadly, before reaching out a hand into mid-air. He pulled at something, and a black hole appeared. He pulled harder, and the hole widened until it was big enough for a grown man to pass through. The girl looked at the thing in awe, completely distracted from her reflection in the mirror.

"Look, Sue, this is a very convenient plothole. Either you jump in, or I throw you."

"I will do no such a thing!"

Strong hands grabbed hold of her waist and the Sue screamed. Joe coughed as he felt the Sueness spread over him, and he hurried towards the hole. With a huge lunch he threw the Sue into the hole. Screaming was heard, and then all was quiet. Joe growled softly as he desperately tried to swipe at his clothes.

"Freaking Sue dust, it's everywhere! Aagh, and it itches like mad!"

It was only after a thorough cleaning of his overcoat – still dusty from both the surroundings and the Sue – that he realised the boy was still there. Timothy. He had fallen down in fright and was now huddled against a tree, sobbing. Joe sighed, annoyed at this particular turn of events. He hadn't been told of a second Mary-Sue – nor a Gary-Stu – but he couldn't take chances.

"Hey, kid. Timothy, was it?"

The boy looked up, brown eyes shimmering with tears, and he nodded. Joe held up the mirror again, giving the boy a wry grin.

"What do you see?"

Timothy swallowed before answering, "Brown eyes, brown hair, smallish nose, some freckles. And I…well…have a crooked tooth."

Joe smiled, quite happy with the answer. Not very Stuish. Now to make sure.

"Which pokémon do you own?"

"Sapphire caught me a Pidgey, sir."

"Good, good, at least she had some use. Now, look into the mirror, Timothy, and all will be well."

Joe turned the mirror, and the sunlight flashed brightly. Soon Timothy was asleep, snoring softly. The police officer smiled, dropped a pokéball next to the kid as a parting gift, and then opened up a plothole, happy to be going home. For now.


End file.
